Sunday 4 April 2010

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

(I know who you are! :)

I am all right, truly, I am. In myself. Or, at least as all right as I have always been or seemed, at least to myself, if not to others!

Mayhap, I am being over-melodramatic (not for the first time! And not for the last, surely!:) but it's difficult not to consider one's fate, one's past, one's future when you have have been through what I have been through.

It's not the enormity of it, it's not the seriousness of it; on a sliding scale of 1-10 it does not even merit a '3'. It, statistically speaking, does not even rate '1' on the 'potentially lethal scale'. It's not lung cancer! In truth, let's be honest, it is a minor inconvenience. However, strokes are enormously variable; and there is no way to predict how variable. That is the frightening thing about something; its unpredictablity.

Just what brain cells might be affected? Maybe, less important ones; no more than a very minor inconvenience; maybe important ones, brain cells that define your existence, at least in your own mind. And who's to tell, before it happens? Maybe God, the supreme deity. Maybe Krishna, Zarathustra, Allah? Unless one is omnipotent, no-one can know! Each cerebral blockage, each blood vessel(s) that block(s), becomes congested, cause(s) something different! Same name, same physical phenomena, different result! Always.

And yes, people suffer more (in their own mind, in the collective conscience) but that is where it becomes frightening. What might have been lost? What might I have spent years trying to achieve, only to have it taken away, denied me, for a chance occurance; not some divine intervention. Perhaps, less booze, less nicotine, perhaps less stress, perhaps eating more, more healthy eating? Might I have avoided all this?

Perhaps!

Maybe this might not ever have happended. But, if it nonetheless did?

What might have been taken away? If fate had not decreed otherwise?

My right arm, hand; paralysed, beyond recall? Never being able to paint again? Without relearning how to paint with my left hand? Or my feet? At my age? Never being able to argue again, for word blindness. Not being able to articulate that which was always so easy? In debate. Not being able to to articulate 'continually' without, in Wilfred Owen's words, 'an ectasy of fumbling'. Is that all I can look forward to?

To such as I, to be so inarticulate, in speech, in words. To be so inept at painting a 'Harpy Eagle'; this is a loss of life, a loss of the meaning of life! And I don't want to find a new one! A new meaning! I was perfectly 'happy' with the old one!

I want my old one back!

So if I am maudlin (or magdelaine), it is but a transitory phase. I will get my old purpose back, by hook or by crook; or I will find a new one (or three). Just takes time! That's all!

Allow to me the grace, at least, to wallow in such self-pity as I can glean; in the meantime. In 'the alone of my time' :)

Just for a short time! :)

For 'I know what I'll do in the alone of my time......cos I'll still have a taker for the leftover wine....')

Melanie Safka might have thought it was the audience, but we, oh we, know better!

Regards
Malcolm Goodson

April 2010

PS It never fails to amaze me just how many takers for the leftover wine there are; for which I thank you all!




Dear Anonymous

What I am I going to do with you?

'Murder,' she cried.

'Thank you!' he replied sofly.

MG

10 comments:

  1. Permission granted. For the grief, not the murder.

    Do you need someone to take care of you? I would, were I not formerly entangled. Carry on.

    I weep with you.

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  2. Oh, you spoil all my fun!

    'Oh, dance in the dark of night,
    Sing to the morning light.'

    No need to weep, I am content!

    Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill, Frank Beard (without one), 'Tush' Live! No, I am well content.

    (I trust you know your state's late 20th century icons! And it's not Stevie Ray V....)

    "Because....every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man!" :)

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  3. Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, which is why it is called the present...
    Take life as it comes. Oh, I don't mean being defeatist here. But by accepting life issues without staying still, in a stuck state of mind, you will feel more in control, in peace, which will help you get rid of unnecessary worrying.
    "Life is not worth the trouble of being lived , but I'm worth the trouble of living..." Not too sure about the translation ( La vie ne vaut pas la peine d'etre vecue,mais je vaux la peine de vivre ).

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  4. Well, Cravan was a 'darling' of the Dadaists (and Breton) so I doubt any translation is going to be easy. I doubt that he knew what he meant!

    I'm more inclined to: "Life isn't worth the pain (trouble) of living, but I value that pain (ie the pain of living) ie "La vie ne vaut pas la peine d'etre vecue" is translated 'idiomatically' into English whereas the second part is more literal 'je vaux' in the sense of 'I value, I think (it's) worth it. But what the hell do I know.

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  5. The second part is more "I am worth to live". Camus used to say the same thing about it...

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  6. Camus, what does he know? :)

    I still see the first phrase as reflexive intransitive and the second transitive.

    But we'll agree to disagree :)

    Unless you're up for water pistols at dawn to settle the matter once and for all!

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  7. So glad that other Anonymous showed up to take my place. :)

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  8. A murder of crows, a flock of sheep, a parliament of rooks, a gaggle of geese.....An embarassment of anonymouses? Or perhaps that should be anonymice?

    Just as well everyone is unique. I might start to get confused!

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  9. No worries. I'll catch you this Saturday! I warn you, I shoot faster than my shadow :-)

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  10. I've seen your shadow shoot! Anybody's faster then that! :)

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