Tuesday, 22 June 2010

A Dog's life

I got an email from MG the other day. While the bulk of the email was taken up with a long joke about what a domestic dog would ask God, the real reason, tucked behind and beneath the aforementioned story, was to celebrtae the fact that Mugwump (the cat) had for the first time, in two years, leapt onto his lap! And let himself be 'petted'. It's nice to know that finally the 'crazy' cat feels comfortable enough not to see MG as a wild, homicidal maniac, intent on mayhem and slaughter.

Ah bless!

So here's the joke. I could not resist the temptation to play 'God'!

Dear God:Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
GOD: So you’re called HEWHAY now already?

Dear God:Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
GOD: They do, all the time; just not in the park

Dear God:When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
GOD: Just wait for me to get the blanket over the seat. And one at a time!

Dear God:Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle', the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
GOD: Look. I named a whole car manufacturer after you, ‘Rover’. Is it my fault they went bust?

Dear God:If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
GOD: No, he’s only a bad dog if he wakes his master, or the neighbours or his master’s friend who’s passed out on the sofa.

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
GOD: Hurting and killing each other. Be content, little one. You are well off out of that!

Dear God:More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
GOD: You need your carbohydrate as well as your protein. A balanced diet is the key to long life.

Dear God:Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
GOD: No, there are mailmen angels here just so as you can chase them. This is heaven, remember?

Dear God:Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
GOD: I invented recycling before anyone else. Recycling is not a sin. The cat doesn’t want it? Recycle!

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
GOD: Your owner likes to roll on Sadie Smith because he likes the way she smells. Don’t worry about it, keep rolling!

The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
GOD: I’ve told you before! Recycle! Recycle!

The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
GOD: No, the face towel is. Or the carpet, your master’s trousers, the duvet. But at a pinch, if none of the above is available, the sofa is kosher.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
GOD: No, but he might be. So chase him, you can never be too careful.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
GOD: Why not? It’s the only laugh I get round here!

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello'.
GOD: Well, if it’s good enough for your master and Sadie Smith, it’s good enough for you!

I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
GOD: I endowed you with intelligence. I did not make you Einstein. We are all entitled to a mistake once and a while. (Except me, of course).

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
GOD: Rainwater is the purest water there is, I know I made it. Why wouldn’t your master want to clean his walls, furniture, carpets with it?

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
GOD: I invented carpet with that express intention. I realised afterwards that grass has a tendency to lodge small blades of itself up your ass.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
GOD: Humans don’t like the fact that you can (lick your crotch) when they can’t, so they get jealous. Best to do it behind the sofa to avoid antagonising them.

The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
GOD: Don’t worry. The time to worry is when the cat get its claws out and goes for your eyes.

PS. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
GOD: Not only will you get your testicles back, I’ll castrate your owner!

Don't you just like playing God?

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Final score: Dalila Hotspurs 5, Patels United 0

I never cease to be amazed about the surprises people have in store for you. You want to believe that they can accomplish something but deep down there is always this nagging doubt that somehow they might not be up to it, however much you might like them to be.

A e-chum of mine was dismissed from her job just before Christmas last year, unfairly in the view of just about everyone who was not the employer. Now I'll say this for Queen Elizabeth II's realm, they have some shit-hot legislation to protect workers, the great unwashed to me and you, from the money grubbing, ruthless capitalists, the fur balls of the western world to me and you. All kinds of laws to stop the employer from shafting you at every turn. If you don't play by the rules you get punished financially! While no system is perfect, the protection afforded to the wage-slave in the UK (and elsewhere in Europe) is probably second to none. It strikes an almost perfect balance between the demands of the employers for unrestrained exploitation and the claims of the working masses for justice and fairness.

As a result of all this beautiful legislation, my e-chum brought a claim to an Employment Tribunal (a court specially set up to hear employment disputes) for unfair dismissal. Now these things are exactly the same as a conventional court of law. There is a judge, plus two pseudo-magistrates, not legally qualified, and the whole business is conducted as though it was a court sitting in a murder trial. Witnesses have to take on oath, parties are represented, normally, by qualified lawyers and the rule of law always prevails. Prove your case beyond a reasonable doubt. The only difference is there's no jury, more of the great unwashed to you and me.

Well, these things, like all legal cases, take a long time to come up on the calendar. Three days ago, my e-chum's finally came up. Scheduled to last two days.

As any lawyer knows, the preparation for a case takes an inordinate amount of time. Every 'i' dotted, every 't' crossed, papers exchaged, papers buried on soft peat for three months, witness signatures, statements lost, statements recycled as firelighters, more signatures, the usual business. Now my e-chum had lots of help from a paralegal in the preparation, exchange and so forth but turns up on the day with NO legal representation!


Are you crazy? Your opponents have legal representation! This is like trying to fight Mike Tyson with one hand tied behind your back! Running the 100m hurdles with one leg tied to your back. Are you serious? The solicitor for the other side has done this before. You haven't! And to boot, none of your witnesses have either! This is a legal process and all that it entails! Not a cosy little meeting between friends! (MG just put a bag over his head at the start of proceedings , he was a witness, so he didn't have to watch)

Round (day) 1 - the respondents, capitalist sh*tbags to you and me, are up first. Never has the phrase 'economical with the truth' been more apposite! I'd be less generous but I might wind up in court. It was like listening to the synoptic gospels, you know how Matthew, Mark and Luke all sound the same, tell the same story, however unlikely, and you get the impression only John might actually have been there. Well it was just like that, only John wasn't there!

Now to be fair, I don't think the judge was going out of way to favour the employer, quite the contrary, but there's only so much you can do when you are bound by due process. After all, the judge must make sure the niceties are observed and there were a few mild 'you can't do this, that and the other' - cue smug solicitor from the other side beaming all over his face. Anyways, apparently MG took the bag off near the end and the future certainly wasn't looking 'bright', wasn't looking 'orange' and the next day, my e-chum has to give evidence.

Round (day) 2 - I don't what know happened overnight between round 1 and 2 but something did. Maybe a little too much alcohol, maybe the multiple orgasm to end all multiple orgasms, maybe a hot bath and a decent nights sleep, maybe God had a quiet word, a little God-like moral support; whatever, it worked! Gone was the hesitation, the 'fumbling'; to be replaced by a sense of purpose, of righteousness! Calm, collected in the face of provocation (all the witnesses were; do you like be called a liar to your face just because you're somebody's friend), she handled it all with aplomb, water off a ducks back! The other side played every trick in the book, every trick that gets lawyers a bad name. Every trick that makes anyone engaged in the legal profession seem like an organism only slightly higher in complexity that an amoeba (with virus-like qualities). Still that's what they're paid for, ay? It's an adversarial system, after all.

Round 3 (day 2) - Summing up. A few short paragraphs to precis the case from each side. Put it all in focus for the tribunal. The claimant, the great unwashed to you and me, gets to go first, the respondents, f**king crooks to me and you, get to go last.

So what does the judge do? Reverses the order! He knows as well as we all do, she hasn't got a 'summing up' prepared, not in any real way, why would she; how could she? The solicitor agrees. Maybe he knew deep down what the real, objective 'truth' was and that's why he agreed. I don't know, but, for his sake, I'd like to think so. Perhaps there's hope for us all!

He gets near the end and the judge breaks for lunch! The solicitor has raised something that has to be addressed, in law.

There's 45 minutes over lunch to refute the main thrust of his argument, first raised in his summation. Otherwise, it's thrown out on a legal technicality.

Over lunch, the poor hapless Indians, surrounded by the calvary, manage to cobble together a defence (with the help of two phone calls to a paralegal). The solicitor for the other side smiled when it was read out - 'OK you win, that was my best shot' (Perhaps he didn't think anyone would notice).

Well, she won! Although she was held to be half responsible, she had unilaterally done something to jeopardice the business, which was kind of indefensible :), she won!

I don't know what happened between days one and two. From an 'embarrassment' to a 'winner', it's hard to conceive; but it seems to me that a lawyer could not have done any better, in terms of the final result.

You see, people are full of surprises

I don't think I could have gone against representation without being represented myself. I would have been too scared. To place so much faith in yourself (and your friends) sends a message to us all.

If only we will hear it!

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Shopping scams

I had an email from MG yesterday. With a dire warning for shoppers in the UK:

"Latest Shopping Scam
This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look, especially with all the wet weather we’ve been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better."

I just thought I'd pass this along as a public service :)