A Dog's life

I got an email from MG the other day. While the bulk of the email was taken up with a long joke about what a domestic dog would ask God, the real reason, tucked behind and beneath the aforementioned story, was to celebrtae the fact that Mugwump (the cat) had for the first time, in two years, leapt onto his lap! And let himself be 'petted'. It's nice to know that finally the 'crazy' cat feels comfortable enough not to see MG as a wild, homicidal maniac, intent on mayhem and slaughter.

Ah bless!

So here's the joke. I could not resist the temptation to play 'God'!

Dear God:Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
GOD: So you’re called HEWHAY now already?

Dear God:Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
GOD: They do, all the time; just not in the park

Dear God:When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
GOD: Just wait for me to get the blanket over the seat. And one at a time!

Dear God:Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle', the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
GOD: Look. I named a whole car manufacturer after you, ‘Rover’. Is it my fault they went bust?

Dear God:If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
GOD: No, he’s only a bad dog if he wakes his master, or the neighbours or his master’s friend who’s passed out on the sofa.

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
GOD: Hurting and killing each other. Be content, little one. You are well off out of that!

Dear God:More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
GOD: You need your carbohydrate as well as your protein. A balanced diet is the key to long life.

Dear God:Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
GOD: No, there are mailmen angels here just so as you can chase them. This is heaven, remember?

Dear God:Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
GOD: I invented recycling before anyone else. Recycling is not a sin. The cat doesn’t want it? Recycle!

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
GOD: Your owner likes to roll on Sadie Smith because he likes the way she smells. Don’t worry about it, keep rolling!

The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
GOD: I’ve told you before! Recycle! Recycle!

The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
GOD: No, the face towel is. Or the carpet, your master’s trousers, the duvet. But at a pinch, if none of the above is available, the sofa is kosher.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
GOD: No, but he might be. So chase him, you can never be too careful.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
GOD: Why not? It’s the only laugh I get round here!

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello'.
GOD: Well, if it’s good enough for your master and Sadie Smith, it’s good enough for you!

I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
GOD: I endowed you with intelligence. I did not make you Einstein. We are all entitled to a mistake once and a while. (Except me, of course).

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
GOD: Rainwater is the purest water there is, I know I made it. Why wouldn’t your master want to clean his walls, furniture, carpets with it?

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
GOD: I invented carpet with that express intention. I realised afterwards that grass has a tendency to lodge small blades of itself up your ass.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
GOD: Humans don’t like the fact that you can (lick your crotch) when they can’t, so they get jealous. Best to do it behind the sofa to avoid antagonising them.

The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
GOD: Don’t worry. The time to worry is when the cat get its claws out and goes for your eyes.

PS. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
GOD: Not only will you get your testicles back, I’ll castrate your owner!

Don't you just like playing God?