Silly mid on, the Third Man and Papa joue au cricket

Cricket, it must be said, is a strange game, Except perhaps in recent years, it is only played in countries which have the legacy of 'Empire'; the West Indies, South Africa, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Zimbabwe, Australia and New Zealand. It is mostly thought of as a curiously idiosyncratic game played by 'Englishmen', although it is perhaps no less curiously idiosyncratic than baseball; at least when the English play a 'Cricket World Cup', other nations are invited to play, as opposed to a 'World Series' when only American teams are eligible! 

Not to mention that Baseball is merely the children's game of 'Rounders' with a slightly bigger bat, oversize gloves because the sissies that play baseball cannot catch and hold onto a ball without some aid and an obsession with statistics. As Baseball is to Rounders, so American Football is to Rugby, mere unflattering, pale imitations. The only game the Americans ever improved on was 'Netball' (I do not mean Basketball, which is Netball but with dribbling), although it was the native Americans who improved Netball by inventing  lacrosse, which has a lot in common with the old Irish sport of 'Hurling' and is only marginally less violent and dangerous.

Cricket is a game to which one must have the very essence inculcated at a very early age otherwise the game remains, and will ever remain, largely unintelligible.  At its most basic, it is a comparatively simple game. The sides are composed of 11 men plus one 'substitute', the 'twelfth man'. who usually has only one job; to bring the drinks out on especially hot days. One side 'bats' in pairs and one side 'fields', much like an innings in baseball. When 10 batsmen have been 'dismissed through a variety of means, batsmen must bat as pairs, the other side bats and the previously batting side fields.. (Depending on the particular variety of cricket being played, they may repeat this process, each side gaining two opportunities to bat and field and the scores being aggregated.)

However, cricket is the ultimate game designed by a committee constituted a long time ago when England was decidedly different to the modern day. The pitch on which the ball is bowled to the batsmen is twenty-two yards long. This is a 'chain', an old English unit of measurement from a seventeenth century surveyor's method of surveying known as "Gunter's Chain", comprising one hundred links which measured sixty-six feet (twenty-two yards) in total.  A cricket ground (the "outfield') will normally be circular or oval with at least one axis of about one hundred and fifty metres and no axis greater than about one hundred and eighty metres..

At each end of the pitch, also known as 'the wicket' or 'the square' (although it is rectangular in shape), are three 'stumps', poles of wood driven into the ground, equally spaced to form a barrier nine inches wide and twenty eight inches high. Across the top are two smaller pieces of wood, 'bails', which are set into narrow grooves along the top of each stump. This is also, to promote terminal confusion, termed 'the wicket'

A line a marked in the pitch four feet away from the stumps at each end and, normally fifteen feet in widthm this forms the 'crease'. It is from these two lines that the distance of twenty two yards is measured, not from the stumps. The crease performs two main functions; the bowler's front foot must not go beyond the crease when bowling; the batsmen have to have their bat or one foot behind the crease to be considered 'safe', similar to the 'plate' in baseball.

A batsman can be dismissed,  be 'out', in a myriad of ways. The most direct is for the batsmen to miss the ball and have the ball hit the stumps, although at least one bail must be dislodged*; the batsman misses the ball but, in the opinion of the umpire, the batsman's body, usually the legs, prevent the ball from reaching the stumps (known as 'leg before wicket - lbw); the batsman hits the ball but a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground; the batsman misses the ball or hits a glancing blow and the ball carries to the 'wicket-keeper' (who performs the same function as the 'catcher' in baseball), and the 'keeper' may break the wicket if the batsman is outside of his 'crease'; the same also applies as either batsman is running between the stumps and the wicket is broken at either end and the batsman, or more usually his bat, is not inside the 'crease', it is the batsman who is running towards the broken wicket who is 'run out'; the batsman breaks his own wicket with his bat or a part of his body; the batsman deliberately handles the ball to prevent it hitting the stumps. There are many ways to 'be out' but only one way to 'be in'; keep hitting the ball along the ground.

Each team will usually have five specialist batsmen who must also be good fielders, a specialist wicket-keeper, who should ideally be a good batsman, and at least three specialist bowlers and a couple of 'all-rounders'; batsmen who can bowl or vice versa. Unlike baseball where one pitcher must master a number of different pitches, cricket teams rely on fast bowlers with speeds of 100mph, medium-paced bowlers with speeds in the high seventies and even slower 'spin' bowlers. Each bowler type has particular strengths and is used at various stages of a ball's life in the match. Balls are usually changed after 480 deliveries (eighty 'overs' of six balls per 'over'), the leather covering and stitching became damaged after being hit by the bat so many times, although the fielding side does not have to change, if it would be tactically advantageous not to do so, unless the unpire deems the ball unfit.

When the ball is new, and therefore at its fastest, the fast bowler will be used. He will aim to make the ball bounce in general just over three quarters of the distance of the pitch, ensuring that the ball should be no more than twenty eight inches from the ground, when it should hit the wicket if the batsman or his bat does not get in the way. The bowler may choose to make the ball curve towards or away from the batsman  (similar to a 'curve ball' in baseball) before it bounces, make it curve towards or away from the batsman when it bounces or bowl a straight ball. He may also seek to intimidate the batsman by bowling a 'bouncer', where the ball is pitched for the bounce around half way between the wickets and is approaching head height when it reaches the batsman**.The most difficult delivery is the 'yorker' where the bowler aims just before the batsman's bat to try to get the ball to bounce into the tiny space  underneath the bat. Bowling deliberately so as not to allow the ball to bounce is either bad bowling, 'full tosses' are the easiest balls to hit, or frowned upon, and likely to garner a warning from the umpire, if the aim to hurt your opponent. Similarly bouncers bowled with the express intention of physically intimidating the batsman, as in 'body line bowling', a tactic used by the English during a tour of Australia in 1932, is not considered to be in the spirit of the game.

The medium-pacer has most of the same tricks that a the fast bowler has but because of the slightly slower pace of the ball, there is a much greater opportunity for the ball to swing away or towards the batsman. The 'spin' bowler is slower still and imparts a far greater spin to the ball by a flicking of the fingers thus making it difficult for batsman to gauge the flight of the ball before it bounces and to predict which way the ball will go after it bounces; the best spin bowlers, Shane Warne, Derek Underwood, Bishan Bedi could disguise the movements of the fingers so as to make it nigh on impossible to tell what the ball would do, how it was spinning, and thus make it difficult to anticipate and plan one's shot. The 'ball of the last century;, bowled by a spin bowler, is here; it 'breaks', turns, upon bouncing around two and a half feet from its previous flight path.

The fielding side has the same number of fielders as in a baseball field, nine. However unlike a baseball team where the field positions are fairly fixed due to the placement of the diamond 'plates', the positions for fielders in cricket can change markedly with every bowler depending on their pace; it may be different for every batsman, depending on their strengths or weaknesses or their love of a particular stroke; whether it is an attacking field, designed to force the batsman into errors or a defensive field, designed to cut down the numbers of 'runs' that the batting side can score. The names only serve to promote confusion among the less than knowledgeable: first to fourth slip, gully, square leg, deep square leg, short leg, third man, cover, point, cover point, long leg, silly mid on,*** mid on, long on, silly mid off, mid off, long off etc etc.

Scoring is also achieved in a number of ways; by hitting the ball and running between the creases before the ball can be returned to break the stumps, both batsmen must make it to their respective creases at each end before a run is scored; by hitting the ball across the 'boundary, the perimeter of the outfield, if it bounces it is an automatic four runs, if it does not bounce it is an automatic six runs; if the batsman misses the ball and it is also missed by the fielders behind the stumps, the batsmen can choose to run as though the batsman had struck the ball, these are 'byes' and are recorded separately but added to the total of actual runs; balls pitched wide of the batsman, usually more than five or six feet, can be deemed 'wides' and are the equivalent to byes and may be 'run' in the same way. If a bye or a wide should reach the boundary, not unusual with fast bowlers, then the 'run' count rises to four.

Traditionally the game was played over five days. Each day would begin at eleven o'clock and would end at seven o'clock with a break for lunch at one thirty for forty-five minutes and another break for 'tea' at, usually, four fifteen of between fifteen and thirty minutes.  This in the main accounts for the bewildering British practice of always stopping for 'tiffin' about four-thirty mid-battle which confuses our allies and, until we taught the French after the Normans to respect our customs and teach their European neighbours to do likewise, led to successful invasions by hordes of Celts, Romans, Angles, Saxons, Jutes as well as Danes, Norwegians, Swedes and Normans before 1067. 

However, with the ever diminishing threat of invasion and with the ever dwindling attention span of modern audiences, the one day match became far more common, games restricted to 120 balls per side (20 overs), and following the 'Kerry Packer Circus' of the late seventies, even floodlit matches have became commonplace.

In many ways, it is sad that cricket has marched down the same road as football, Formula one, Rugby, track athletics, tennis and become the plaything of the media companies and the sponsors. It was too much to ask that cricket might have preserved its unique olde worlde charm and quaintness in an era of rampant capitalism and consumerism. Ah well, c'est la vie!

Finally, because I have at last found it after many years of searching, I give you the title of this blog. Transcribed from a piece in 'The Times' in the late fifties or early sixties, this is a classic instruction set in how NOT to use a dictionary. A glossary is provided at the end for those unfamiliar with the cricket terms mistranslated (deliberately).

Tu aimes jouer au cricket?

Papa joue au Cricket. C’est une grande allumette - une deux-jour allumette.

Papa est dans le pré tout le premier jour. Il laisse tomber deux attrapes, et manque trois balles dans le profond, qui vont à la borne pour quatre. Beurre-doigts!

Son capitaine le met sur à bouler. Il boule deux larges, et trois pas-balles. Il est frappé pour six. Il boule des plein-jets et des long-sauts et des demi-volées. Il est ôté. Il a l’analyse- Pardessus: 3; Pucelles: 0; Courses: 38; Guichets: 0

L’autre côté accourt une vingtaine de haute taille. Papa s’assied dans le pavillon. Il est dernier homme dedans. Il regarde son capitaine, qui fait un siècle. Après un premier guichet debout, les guichets tombent.

Le filateur en prend quatre; un attrapé à court troisième homme, un dans le ravin, un autre à niais moyen-dessus, et le dernier vaincu par un qui va avec le bras.
Le marchand de vitesse fait le truc de chapeau parmi les lapins: un joliment pris à jambe-carrée, un dans les glissades, et l’autre battu et boulé tout au dessus de la boutique.

Les joueurs courent. Le guichet-teneur casse le guichet. Celui qui court n’est pas dans son pli. Il est couru dehors.

Papa est dedans. Il saisit sa chauve-souris. Il marche à la poix. Il prend milieu et jambe. On boule. C’est un casse-jambe. Papa ferme ses yeux. Il coupe en retard. Il manque. On boule. C’est un Chinois. Papa ferme ses yeux. Il accroche. C’est un coup de vache. La balle lui frappe le genou. Le pré hurle, “Comment ça?” L’arbitre lève son doigt. Cloches d’enfer! Papa est dehors, jambe-devant-guichet. Il n’a pas cassé son canard. Hélas!

une grande allumette - a big match (though not of box of marches variety) 
deux larges - two 'wides' (see above)
trois pas-balles = three 'no balls'
plein-jets - full tosses, deliveries where the ball fails to bounce 
des long-sauts - long hops, a failed 'bouncer' which is not bowled fast enough and is easy to hit 
des demi-volées - half volleys, failed yorkers, the ball is hit immediately after it bounces
Pucelles - maidens, overs in which no runs are scored
une vingtaine - a score but not as in 'twenty'
dedans - 'in' (to bat)
un siècle - 'make a century', score a hundred runs
Le filateur - the spinner, the bowler who spins
un attrapé à court troisième homme- one caught at 'short third man' (a fielding position)
un dans le ravin- one caught in the gully (a fielding position)
un autre à niais moyen-dessus - another at silly mid on*** (a fielding position)
le dernier vaincu par un qui va avec le bras - the last was beaten by one which followed through with the arm, ie did not veer to one side after the bounce
fait le truc de chapeau parmi les lapins - 'the trick of the hat out of the rabbits'  (ie a hat-trick - three wickets from 3 consecutive balls from the 'rabbits', those batting 8th,9th and 10th. 
un joliment pris à jambe-carrée - one nicely taken (caught) at square-leg (a fielding position)
un dans les glissades - one in the slips (a fielding position) 
tout au dessus de la boutique - all over the shop (place). Everywhere.
son pli - his crease (see above)
couru dehors. - run out
chauve-souris - the batsman's bat, not a pipistrelle 
poix - pitch but not as in 'tar' 
Il prend milieu et jambe - he takes 'middle and leg'. The batsman on taking stance asks the umpire at the other end to tell him where his bat is in relation to the wicket. Middle and leg means one and half stumps in from the the right as the umpire sees it. The batsman marks that with his bat and this allows the batsman to know his position relative to his wicket.
On boule. C’est un casse-jambe - They bowl, It is a leg break. A spun ball which goes down the batsman's left side and turns (breaks) towards him on the bounce 
On boule. C’est un Chinois - They bowl. It is a Chinaman, A 'Chinaman' is a delivery by a left-handed spin bowler which goes to the right of the batsman and turns towards him on the bounce. The equivalent for a right-handed bowler is known as a 'googly'
Il coupe - To 'cut' is to hit the ball to the right of the batsman
C’est un coup de vache - I have no idea what is implied here unless it is something along the lines of 'he made a mess of the stroke'; assuming that 'accroche' is meant to mean hook as in ** below. 
jambe-devant-guichet - leg before wicket (lbw) (see above)
“Comment ça?” - "Howzat"  (How is that2) The traditional cry when you think that the batsman is 'out'
L’arbitre lève son doigt - The umpire's way of signalling that a batsman is 'out', he raises his index finger
Il n’a pas cassé son canard - 'not breaking your duck' means not to score.


* I seem to remember a test match in which the batsman mistimed his shot, the ball sneaked behind his bat and rolled into the stump. The bail was not dislodged and the batsman remained 'not out'.
**You can usually tell these as soon as the ball leaves the bowlers hand because it is slightly later in leaving the hand, thus giving you ample time to duck. Even with a helmet, it is not wise to try to 'hook' a genuine fast bowler. The timing required to both hit the ball, as it approaches you, behind you and to roll your wrists so that the ball is directed downwards is devilishly difficult; it is easier to duck, although the 'hook' when it comes off is a very spectacular stroke. There is a great example of one of the masters of the hook, David Steel, here , it is the second of the three strokes, during his mauling of Aussie Jeff Thompson, one of the top three fast bowlers anywhere at that time. There's another here by Ian 'Beefy' Botham against the same bowler which if anything looks even more spectacular; and in an era without protective helmets. (Incidentally, first worn by English batsman, Dennis Amiss, during Packer's 'World Series Cricket' in 1977, although in that case it was a motorcycle crash helmet.)
*** A position on the batsman's left side very close to the batsman and the position that I was fielding on the only occasion on which I have been knocked out playing sport. I did not get my hands up fast enough to catch the ball, it was well struck by the batsman, and it hit me square on the forehead. The position is aptly named because you do have to be  (very) silly, stupid, to field there. Helmets, what helmets?