Killer hamsters, impenetrable poetry and angels

I don't normally read labels much except when they have 'DANGER - 'CUTE' ALERT! KILLER HAMSTERS HERE!' on them but I spotted a curious one on the back of a whisky bottle today. "Security protected. Please remove prior to putting in microwave." Um, pardon? I'm expected to microwave my malt? Why? Is there a reason? Does it taste better after 1 minute at full power? Or is this just a subtle marketing ploy by microwave manufacturers to shift more units? All the suits sitting around dreaming up new lists of '10 more things you can pointlessly heat or cook in our microwave!' Malt whisky, polystyrene beads, cough mixture, socks, granny's knickers, orchids, rubber erasers, cricket balls, custard powder, AOL CDs. Oh alright, the last one isn't pointless, they make quite good ashtrays - nice focal point in a room, microwaved CDs. All those lovely rainbow colours as you play, 'spin the CD ashtray'.

Do you ever play 'message in a bottle'? You know, cast a message out into the void in a rather faint hope that the intended recipient might reply? I suppose in some ways this blog is a bit like that, after all if you have a little patience on google you hit this blog eventually. However it's a little more 'scattergun', this blog. It kind of presupposes that there is someone out there looking for ME, rather than the other way around. Highly unlikely, I think :)

In the autumn last year, during all of the turmoil, seven day working weeks, exhaustion, physical, emotional and mental, I was sitting in my little lounge, on my little sofa, with my little lamp on, leaning into my little cushions, reading a little book of poetry. (Of course everything is little, I'm only a wee person after all; one must keep things in proportion. The only big thing in my flat is a photograph of a Kazakh fox hunter and his Berkut - golden eagle. :) The book was "The 'O'o'a'a' bird". I'm not sure why I picked that one up to read, although I do like 'Masturbation sonnet with viburnum blossom' because it so reminds me of how I used to feel in the long, dark days of winter when I was about the same age as the poet (at the time of composition) and I, then, too shared the pain of the distance between. Maybe that's why.

For reasons now lost in the misty swirls of time, I decided to see what had become of my erstwhile member of staff (albeit for a short period of time); I'm a dab hand at googling! Associate Professor, no less! And published poet! So, on the basis that signed copies of books are always more valuable than the run of the mill variety, I fired off an email to his publisher in what was probably a vain attempt to remake contact. (I'm not usually so mercenary but, what the hell, I'm not getting any younger and I could be out of a job by the end of the year!) Well, would you believe it, I actually got an answer! Three months later to be sure, but an answer nonetheless. He even remembered me! This of itself may not seem remarkable but, as we were usually bladdered out of our brains during any kind of social contact, it's noteworthy that a few brain cells have remained 'intacto' on both sides to preserve the memory.

He probably thinks I just want a cheap bed/sofa/floor if I ever get to visit Prague to get my copies of his books signed, but no, I don't think so. I just want to plot his extended fame and fortune so that the personal poem he wrote for me and which is now preserved twixt sheets of plastic laminate will be worth shedloads on eBay! :)

For anyone waiting (with bated breath?) for more QED; patience! We're into Feynman diagrams now and these take time to prepare, all those squiggly lines an' all.

And so, in true penguin manner, a complete non sequitor. Ever heard of 'Angel Cards'? They're a kind of Christianised Tarot. 50 or so cards with little snippets of wisdom from one angel or another, which are then expanded on in a wee handbook. They are meant to offer 'spritual' guidance for your problems. Now, like the Penguin, you can probably guess what I think of all this. Yep, right first time. Utter tosh! I find it even more alarming that people take this stuff seriously than I do that people find the Christian creation myth believable.

You take three cards at random and each one is supposed to map out your problems in terms of what it is, what you can do about it and what the outcome will be. Now I play this little game out of a sense of politeness to some friends who do seem to think there's something in it. I always choose the same 'silent' question (and no, I'm not telling you what it is :) and I always get different answers and in many cases complete non sequitors. The first card may be quite accurate, the second a bit wider of the mark and the third, totally off the wall; or any other combination.

We are all human. We share an enormous amount of commonality in terms of what we think, what we believe, what we worry about and what we hope for. Like stage mind readers, it's not too difficult to make up a number of statements about people which will be close to what they actually believe/feel at a particular time, especially if, having shelled out good money for this, they want to believe. So called spiritual mediums work the same way. Is life so bewildering that it's not possible to generate your own solutions?

I can see only one saving grace to shelling out hard earned cash on this kind of rubbish. It may actually focus your attention on what the problem really is and allow you to come to some kind of resolution. I'd still be disinclined to take Uriel's word for it, though!